meditate

These days it's crucial that I listen, pause, and then take my next step. And meditate. Oh yes.

Knowing that I am afraid of change, of feeling out of control, of spinning down a tight tunnel of tension and anxiety - is not enough. I have to take action to redirect myself. I have to calm down. I can. Even with my mind screaming at me that I am a failure.

Yesterday, I took an online accounting assessment for school. When I hit "Grade," the computer gurgled for a moment and then reported back: I'm sorry, but you failed.

Which, at the time, I read to mean: You are a failure. You can't do anything right. You aren't smart enough. You're going to screw everything up.

Where do these thoughts come from? Looking over my life, I find no evidence to suggest the fruition of any such prophecy. So it can't be logic that hammers away at me at 6:30 in the morning, as I lie awake wide-eyed like a nervous guppy.

Kristin broke it down. You are being a bitch to yourself. Be sweet to you like you are to me.

This is a good idea.